Sweet Cheli,
My sister, my dear. I'm not sure what happened yesterday but please don't apologize to me. Your heart sounds like it is in enough turmoil. You did not do me wrong by needing to hear a friendly voice. I only wish I could have been available. Last night was weird. I was so incredibly tired I could hardly drive home. I came straight home, washed my face and fell asleep on my couch. I never even made it to my bedroom. My phone was still on silent the whole time so I missed all your calls.
One message said you felt like I don't support your heart for missions....
Cheli, that is FAR from the truth.
Keep this fire burning- your tender and merciful heart is exactly what will take you to the nations... but hear this: you still have preparation to do. God can still use you today- and has already used you- but if your heart is truly called to the life of a missionary, then you have MUCH growing and preparation to do. Of all the things you could be doing right out of high school, and of all the colleges and universities you could have gone to... the Lord opened doors for you in San Angelo. Imagine all the doors he will continue to open for you so that you may fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel for His name's sake. All I know is that I went to college with one intention... and the Lord created in me an entirely new spirit and restored my joy in the fullness of His strength and sovereignty. I may never have seen God the way I did and do now if it weren't for the people I met at A&M. I may not be where I am now if it weren't for the paths I chose with my major, my job, my friends...
You already have a heart for people and for sharing your joy and your purpose. Going to school won't change that- nor will it trap you or keep you from fulfilling that dream. You WILL travel to many places... but for now, God needs you to be exactly where you are. He still has some preparation and teaching for you.
Your flesh is weak, last night proves that... but your flesh will always be weak. You felt discouraged and you responded with alcohol and a blade. You MUST understand before you allow your thoughts to go any further- that God is the only reason you have any hope or joy- He is the reason for your joy, your blessings- He will pursue you and restore you and lift you up in HIS kingdom in His time.
Take deep breaths- my continual prayer for you is strength of heart and faith. Rest in truth that you cannot see. Run from this darkness- command it to leave you. Flee from this place of pain- it has no right or authority to hold you. You are a child of God- walk in that light....
Boldness. That's my word for you. You have a fiery passion beyond your own comprehension- embrace that passion and use it to glorify the Lord. Refuse any thoughts that are focused on you. You are a child of God and as such you have power and authority- you have purpose, strength, love, joy, peace- all these truths are yours to claim- so claim them. Look deep inside your pain. Are your questions directed to how 'you' feel, and how 'you' can be happy instead of how God can and will be glorified no matter what?- because no matter what happens to you, you know God will never leave you nor forsake you that He will bind up your broken heart and put within you a Spirit of Joy.
I whole heartedly support your heart for and call to missions- go every chance you get- but do not go because you want to or because you think it is neat or fulfilling. Go because God's word has spoken to you- Go because the LORD has commanded you to- even if that means you may die, or be sick, or lose all that you have and know. Go because God told you to.
Let Him prepare your heart and your faith.
Cheli, your response to this call in your heart last night had everything to do with your pain and nothing to do with His glory and majesty and power over this world.
Let God take care of you- Let God rescue you.
I love you always and forever!! You are my sister and my friend. Nothing can separate you from the Love of God- NOTHING, and because our friendship is founded and grounded in that truth- you, my dear, are forever my friend.... no matter what you say or do.
I mean it!
love and hugs,
joy
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